Tuesday, January 8

Fear is a terrible thing

Am I being foolish or am I smart to prepare myself for difficult news?
I have spent hours on the Internet -- researching, reading medical cases, reviewing clinical trials, and reading heartbreaking stories.
I can tell you it SUCKS!!! 
It is making me a bit CRAZY!!
I am sick with worry!
I try to convince myself that I am too young and healthy to have cancer.
Not true... There are countless breast cancer stories -- people who are smart, successful, healthy, interesting, pretty, charming, fit, etc.  
They are moms - they are daughters - they are in their 20's, 30's and 40's. 
It is not fair that these lovely women have been diagnosed with this terrible disease. 
It is really shitty.
It is really unfair.
There is no fairness when it comes to cancer.
I am not immune from this disease.
None of us are.
I don't want to lose my hair.
I don't want to lose my breasts.
I don't want to worry my husband.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me.
I don't want to stop being a mom to my son.
I love my life and I don't want it to change.
It is really scary!
Yet, I know that fear won't change my results.
What will come of my results?
I have lived my life trying to avoid difficult subjects and issues.
Compassion is not an inherent trait for me.
Perhaps that is about to change?!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

still thinking about you and wishing you the best! and i've seen you be compassionate, don't sell yourself short!! sarah n